Comments on Feminist Finance: The Dratted Engagement Ring

I too never wanted an engagement ring, felt no nee...

2010-04-20T16:48:12.629-05:00

I too never wanted an engagement ring, felt no need for anything but the band that came once we got married, and disliked three things about them: (1) the norm that the woman wore one, as a sign of the engagement but the man didn't, (2) the money wasted on them. I'd much rather spend it on a mortgage or a charity! and(3) the emphasis on how big the diamond is, etc. No thanks!

I respect other people's choice to go the more traditional route (acknowledging they may be more traditional than me), and always celebrate when friends or colleagues offer me their hand to show me their engagment ring, knowing it is an important symbol to them.

Thank you. I really don't even agree with the not...

2010-03-31T16:30:32.825-05:00

Thank you. I really don't even agree with the notion in the typical sense of an engagement. My boyfriend and I agreed a long time ago we would considered ourselves engaged when we talked about and agreed on a time frame to get married and were both ready to do so.

We are getting married next year. There was no asking, there are no rings. We discussed marriage very openly for years and decided when we were ready. In the typical sense most people still look at us is dating and since he did not technically ask me, that we are not as committed to getting married.

I have never liked jewelry and don't want to spend the money. I also don't like the inequality that having to be asked says or that one person wears a ring and the other does not.

I struggled for years to even get people to understand my point of view on it. So many people thought i was just saying that but deep down I wanted a huge diamond. I finally have someone who understands why I feel differently about it. Many people do not still understand, but maybe some day it will not be so necessary to have an engagement ring.

Your opposition could also be seen as an acceptanc...

2010-03-09T18:51:37.464-06:00

Your opposition could also be seen as an acceptance of stereotypical gender roles. Why not buy your own ring, pay for your own wedding, provide the income in the relationship, etc.?

I'm not so insecure that I would feel that a ring- an object, a rock- would mean that someone "owns" me. It doesn't mean that at all. It's a gift, just like gifts you give, and gifts your friends give you. Why add needless drama and sexism, when there isn't any? Why not propose to him instead, if you're so worried that accepting a proposal (or a gift from the proposal) means that he "buys" you?

Why judge others for what they want, just because you think they're judging you? Rock or not, it's your hand, who cares? I don't see the need to claim that anyone who wants a ring, or other token of affection, from a women or a man, is "bought."

I agree with this post almost to the letter. I th...

2010-02-23T18:11:48.471-06:00

I agree with this post almost to the letter. I think that rings are a great thing if the couple wants them, but they shouldn't be something that puts you in debt for years. And, if that's what floats your boat, at least get a decent engagement ring financing plan to pay for it. DON'T go with the store's plans.

I think you're an overly sensitive whiny liberal. ...

2009-11-16T18:54:42.910-06:00

I think you're an overly sensitive whiny liberal. I cannot believe I have stumbled onto such a ridiculous rant about the disdain you feel for a diamond engagement ring. BIG DEAL. I am comfortable enough in my own skin to recognize my femininity as an asset rather than a burden. Typical feminist. A true feminist doesn't need the label. She doesn't need a defense. She and those around her are well aware of her strength without all the hyperbole. Her spouse admires her strength and her femininity. She doesn't need to defend being female the way you feminists do. I do pity you, but not b/c you refuse a diamond.

A friend just sent me a link to this page and I ha...

2009-09-16T10:41:03.622-05:00

A friend just sent me a link to this page and I had to comment. 17 years ago when I asked my now husband to marry me and he accepted, he carefully asked me if I wanted an engagement ring. I gave him the single raised eyebrow look and said only if he was going to wear an identical one as well and that was the end of that.

We wore simple gold bands after we were married for about 15 years until I decided I wanted a little bling. Now I've exchanged my wedding ring for what some might consider a more engagement-y looking ring that is platnum with diamonds.

At no time did my lack of engagement ring or my simple wedding ring or my now non traditional wedding ring that doesn't match my husband's even in color ever even remotly define or have a thing to do with our relationship. And if people ever gave it a second thought, well I can't say I ever noticed.

Good luck to you

My fiance proposed to me at the summit of Half Dom...

2009-03-30T02:16:00.000-05:00

My fiance proposed to me at the summit of Half Dome in Yosemite. He said this really touching thing to me about not being able to find a diamond big enough for me, so Half Dome would be my "rock." He's not poor or cheap by any stretch, but he was trying to do something different and romantic. I was so thrilled to be engaged to him. What shocked me was that every time I told women I was getting married, the first thing out of their mouths would be "Let me see the ring!" I don't know how many times I got lectured about how I simply must force him to buy me an engagement ring. My mom even offered to buy me a big fake diamond so that we wouldn't look bad. Several women told me that they would absolutely never say yes to a man that didn't give them a satisfactory diamond. Eventually the criticisms of my friends and family died down, but the way people reacted really put a damper on my initial excitement. We're planning on having wedding bands custom designed, which I think will be much more meaningful. I really can't understand people sometimes.

me thinks most of you doth protest too much...and ...

2009-01-28T12:29:00.000-06:00

me thinks most of you doth protest too much...and that much defensiveness and judgment means you secretly long for the big shiny rock. i wear that big, shiny (and conflict free) diamond because i like it and we could easily afford it, but i wouldn't think anything good or bad about your ringed or ringless fingers. how about not letting worries about what other people think get in your way?

I am a firm believer in simple, meaningful bands. ...

2008-10-25T22:00:00.000-05:00

I am a firm believer in simple, meaningful bands. I have never been a big fan of diamonds (boring, clear stones in my opinion). Give me something with color and personality!

My friend would go on and on about how she wanted simple as well, that she would be happy with no engagement ring and just a plain band. Well her fiance (now husband) got her a $7,500+ engagement ring. She didn't say a thing even though they have a mortgage and that was a few payments right there! God only knows how much her diamond studded wedding band went for.

I rather pay off the house and have a place to live that a ring like that one my finger. I'll never understand the draw of big, flashy rings.

Thanks for a nice article. My husband and I elope...

2008-09-08T14:35:00.000-05:00

Thanks for a nice article. My husband and I eloped. The night before we got married, he "proposed" without a ring--although we had decided more than a month before to get married, together. The next day we had a civil ceremony and used very inexpensive rings as wedding bands. Eventually, when we can afford it and know what we want, we will design an "engagement ring" for me and "wedding bands" for both of us that suit our tastes and styles. But the cheap (under $15) marriage rings will always be the most special. :)

Anonymous, regarding the choice to have an engagem...

2008-09-06T16:07:00.000-05:00

Anonymous, regarding the choice to have an engagement ring as a symbol of his love, I have a problem with the originality factor. The engagement band is so laden with meaning beyond a 'symbol of love'. What about coming up with a new symbol of love that millions of people arn't already using? That's what I would like, at least. SOmething personalized. I appreciate that a ring would be a perfect symbol of love for you, I just ask you to question your motivation: is it possible it might have something to do with your desire to fit in and have something everyone else in your family had and so many people around you have?

I'm glad to hear I am not the only one who doesn't...

2008-09-06T14:41:00.000-05:00

I'm glad to hear I am not the only one who doesn't want an expensive ring. I used to me materialistic in high school and have grown out of it. I tolf my fiance I did not want a new diamond, so instead he gave me his grandmother's diamond, reset....on new silver. It means a lot to me to have ecologically sound purchases and he doesn't seem to care as much unfortunately. I also want to turn one of my rings I wear a lot into a wedding ring and he thinks that that means it isn't special. He doesn't seem to understand that I don't want to buy a new ring for our wedding rings- I'd rather redefine a ring I already have. Any suggestions?
Take care, T

I sincerely appreciate the idea that engagement ri...

2008-07-16T11:49:00.000-05:00

I sincerely appreciate the idea that engagement rings are not necessary in a meaningful relationship (and that conflict diamonds are socially toxic). However, I think there should be nonjudgmental space for tradition for those of us who choose to maintain socially responsible traditions. Feminism, after all, was not about forcing women to act a certain way but giving them the same choices traditionally afforded to men. My mother gave my (now) husband her late mother's diamond to reset for me before we were engaged. When he asked me to marry me, he gave me the ring as a symbol of his love. I am happy to carry that symbol with me every day just as he wears his wedding band as a symbol of my love. Any other tags, such as "ownership" or "insurance" only have meaning if you allow them to.

this post says it perfectly, thanks you...

2008-06-25T07:46:00.000-05:00

this post says it perfectly, thanks you...

I was takling with my office mate the other week a...

2008-05-06T13:47:00.000-05:00

I was takling with my office mate the other week about engagement rings and how some people at our office are obsessed with them when someone gets engaged (3 here in the past couple months). I was telling him how it makes me uncomfortable that all the attention is on the woman in the relationship and that so many people talk behind the engagees back about the size of the diamond. He is is from Brazil and told me about a tradition there where each partner wears a wedding band on their right hand. Once they get married, they switch bands (resizing them of course) and include an inscription of their partner's name in their original ring. I thought it was fantastic.

Amen, and thank you. I guess I'm so automatically ...

2008-05-06T11:26:00.000-05:00

Amen, and thank you. I guess I'm so automatically confrontational about this, no one has ever seemed to feel sorry for me about my lack of an engagement rock.
My guy and me consulted each other on simple bands, and mine is a little more decorative than his. We split the cost of each ring, and we'll be happy to wear them as symbols of committment, as opposed to me wearing one as a symbol of being bought and paid-for. And with insurance against my guy, all the nauseatingly better.

I knew before we became engaged that there was no ...

2008-05-05T22:29:00.000-05:00

I knew before we became engaged that there was no way a traditional diamond would work. Between our knowledge of the mining and exploitation, our budget, and our practicality about things... well, it wasn't us. I got my girlfriend a fleur de lis diamond (not conflict) ring; fleur de lis represented our love for New Orleans, where we both found freedom to be ourselves and to explore our loves -- art, theatre, music, water, etc. along with each other. She hates large jewelry, so the 1/6 carat worked out well. I'm a flashy girl with a love for amethysts, so she helped me pick out a ring at our favorite jewelry store -- it's a large amethyst solitare, which I reset with two passed-down family diamonds on the side. It's gorgeous and about 1/3 of the cost of a traditional ring.

Another thing I love about having nontraditional rings is that i don't feel like i have to explain my relationship to everyone. People don't see my hands and assume, so there's no need to launch into a discussion of why I don't believe in state-sponsored marriage (just personal relationships) or a society that values married couples above singles, polyamorous couples, multi-generational households, etc.

They just see a pretty ring... and I see a reflection of who we are and the funny little things we use to remind us of our love.

I know I am posting really late. I am new here fro...

2008-05-05T14:07:00.000-05:00

I know I am posting really late. I am new here from feministing and so far, I love your blog~

Just wanted to say that both my husband and I wore (and still wear) wedding bands throughout our engagement. A tiffany cut diamond just wasn't for me. This is a sore spot for me because so many people ran for my left finger (including my mother in law) and cringed in horror when all that was there is a plain band.

I wanted a ring I could replace with a partial paycheck if stolen and/or lost without having to have an insurance policy for it. Plus, it just doesn't suit my personality to wear something that sparkles on a daily basis.

I think it is fine if people want that....but really want it. Don't just go through the motions because everyone else has one.

I see lots of good points in this post. I think th...

2008-05-05T11:47:00.000-05:00

I see lots of good points in this post. I think that the consumerism present in the wedding industry in general is pretty off-putting.

While I have a diamond engagement ring myself, I found it rather disconcerting how thrilled most people were about the ring itself, as opposed to the engagement. And now that I'm starting to learn more about conflict diamonds and all the terrible things surrounding them... well, yikes.

That being said, I know I won't be giving up my ring any time soon. Sorry folks. I'm just not. It was a gift that was given to me by my then-fiance (now husband) as a loving gesture, not as a mark of ownership. Now, I understand that just because -I- like something, doesn't mean the cultural baggage goes away. However, unlike one of the previous posters, I won't be looking down at my ring feeling guilty about it, either.

i do not have a diamond ring either. my husband's...

2008-03-11T11:30:00.000-05:00

i do not have a diamond ring either. my husband's father offered us $2000 so i could get one when we were engaged, but the counter-arguments were too compelling...we turned him right down. i am so glad i did because now i am not burdened by guilt at participating in such an archaic tradition that puts blood on the hands of women who don't (but should) know better. the diamond trade is monstrous and anyone who says you are "looking too far into engagement rings" must be one of those who should investigate just whose hard work exactly produces those ridiculously (and artificially) overpriced shinies. perhaps she might start by looking here:

http://www.un.org/peace/africa/Diamond.html

Great post! I'm glad I came across it, very well w...

2008-03-11T01:43:00.000-05:00

Great post! I'm glad I came across it, very well written. Your partner is a very lucky guy :)

i think your all looking to far into engagement ri...

2008-02-28T03:06:00.000-06:00

i think your all looking to far into engagement rings.
Its a sign of your husbands love who has worked his arse off just to get it, so you can wear it and every time you look at it you think of him.
Engagement rings are then something you admire, and they gain sentimental vaule, you pass them down to your children, and there children and then like the other lady said it becomes a bit of 'history'.
People work hard to produce diamonds, so why not enjoy them, wear them, and pass them onto you love ones later on.
Whilst you may think there superficial, and a waste of money other ppl such as my self see the absolute joy in them!

You are so very correct. However, I have to admit...

2008-02-22T17:22:00.000-06:00

You are so very correct. However, I have to admit, I have a diamond engagement ring, and I still wear it along with my wedding band every day. I was nineteen when hubby and I got engaged, and although I didn't feel I needed a ring, I also didn't object to the fact that he wanted to buy me one. I didn't know the first thing about the diamond trade and the horrors involved. Now I know better, and I feel guilty every time I look at my ring. My husband has suggested selling the diamond and donating the money to a reputable international charity. However, I would feel really guilty about selling the ring he worked so hard to pay for so many years ago. It's no-win...I am just a big bundle of guilt!

i would just rather have my topaz for its beautifu...

2008-02-21T14:09:00.000-06:00

i would just rather have my topaz for its beautiful gray color, and for the fact that it's inexpensive, doesn't involve exploitation, etc. it's more "me" than the so-called traditional diamond solitaire. people think that's so strange!

I, too, get looks of pity or puzzlement because my...

2008-02-20T16:38:00.000-06:00

I, too, get looks of pity or puzzlement because my engagement ring is also my wedding ring. It has small diamonds, nothing like the rocks you see nowadays. I also think it's ridiculous that people still make assumptions about the groom's finances based on a ring. I know many poor artists/actors who bought a big ring with a credit card. It's such a waste of money. I wish more people felt the same way I do. I don't need the pity!