Comments on Feminist Finance: First Married Fight

I don't know what the hell an IRA is either.Don't ...

2009-02-19T12:07:00.000-06:00

I don't know what the hell an IRA is either.

Don't care, as well.

Why is that so horrible? This is why I'm *un*married, though.

I only have to worry about my own finances, and I do fine. It's amazing how much money you save when no one asks you for any of it.

Man I feel you. My (absolutely incredible) boyfri...

2009-02-15T19:55:00.000-06:00

Man I feel you. My (absolutely incredible) boyfriend is oblivious about money. He didn't even know what an IRA was. Totally understand the "mommy" feeling, it really sucks. On top of this, there's a big class difference. he comes from a rich family, never had to worry about finances, is presently living off a trust fund while getting his masters. I come from much lower working class family, who really taught me how to save and spend within your means, and save for your future. It also sucks that I'm the one with $50K in student loans. I feel like a hypocrit talking about being smart with money, when I'm the one with debt (thank god no credit card debt).

people rarely change after the age of, oh, fifteen...

2009-02-08T22:10:00.000-06:00

people rarely change after the age of, oh, fifteen or so. if he was absent minded about managing his money before you got married, you should just accept the fact that he's going to continue to be that way for a long time. and being his wife, yeah, you're going to have to learn to deal. does it suck that you have to be in "mommy" mode? yes. but likewise, i'm sure you have bad habits which he makes up for all the time as well. so in the end it all works out.

Wow, a fight already? What happened to the honeym...

2009-02-05T22:14:00.000-06:00

Wow, a fight already? What happened to the honeymoon? Congrats on getting married! LOL.

I should talk I'm in marriage counseling because I am dealing with my in-laws.

I wish we fought about money. Family apparently is a huge issue according to the counselor. How you deal with your families. That and money, but parents can wreck a marriage fast.

By they way, did you go to premarital counseling? We did and don't fight at all about money. But we also went and my DH changed about letting his parents MOVE in...so life isn't what it seems.

Does anyone have any good tips (websites, articles...

2009-02-04T11:21:00.000-06:00

Does anyone have any good tips (websites, articles, etc.) on the best ways to structure family finances? My partner and I are having some difficulty reaching an agreement (he wants everything shared in one bank account; I want to maintain separate accounts and have a third for mutually-agreed upon joint expenses).

Any suggestions, recommendations, tips, and advice are welcome!

Meg, I'm totally open to feedback that I am overre...

2009-02-04T09:49:00.000-06:00

Meg, I'm totally open to feedback that I am overreacting. And sometimes I think maybe I am. But to give you a bit more background, after we got engaged, Shiner added it up and told me he had $42,000 in credit card debt. That was more than his annual salary at the time. It was a pretty serious breach of trust and even though he is now under $6k and hopes to pay off the last of it this year, his past credit card use continues to color some of our interactions about money.

So when he put $800 on a credit card for a nonessential expense without talking it over with me or doing the math to see if he could cover it, I was pretty pissed off. You're right, it's an unexpected car expense. It happens to everyone. It's not worthy of real teeth gnashing, but it's that history that I alluded to in the post (not that I expect anyone to be carrying around my life story in their brain!) that makes it an issue to me.

Re: counseling, it's not as though I've insisted he go out and find a therapist. Like I said, he's been seeing someone to deal with some family-related issues and I asked him to bring this up on his next visit, to see if the counselor thought his using money to save face was related to some of the stuff they are already talking about or otherwise needs addressing. But then, we are both pretty pro-counseling anyway. Within our relationship, it was the least big deal request I made.

I like Mint; the benefit is that unlike other prog...

2009-02-03T23:49:00.000-06:00

I like Mint; the benefit is that unlike other programs like Quicken, you don't have to go in and categorize every expenditure. It "knows" what each expense is and puts it in the right category. Plus you can make your own categories. Of course it gets some wrong, but you can re-categorize those easily and tell it to recognize them as "restaurants" or whatever in the future.

Also, I think it's kind of funny/interesting what a big deal this relatively minor financial decision is to you guys. He's going to counseling over it? Geez, he had an unexpected car expense, it happens. It's not like he got cocky and went and leased a new car or something. You might be in for a loooong marriage if every thing/expense is scrutinized so closely.

Of course I don't know your history or anything. Maybe he has serious Issues and you have every right to be controlling/anxious. But to me car problems fall into the "no big deal that's what savings are for" category.

I have been using Quicken for 12 years or so. I g...

2009-02-03T21:38:00.000-06:00

I have been using Quicken for 12 years or so. I generally like it, but after my father died almost 2 years ago, I got behind on entering my debit card receipts, so I decided that I would break down and actually upload from my credit unions. Alas, I'm using the 2006 version now and after years of upgrades, financial institution information has landed in wrong places making uploading impossible. So, I'm going to upgrade AGAIN to 2009 and take advantage of the 30 days or so of phone support to fix things. That said, it's pretty handy and supposedly you can import all the data to Turbo Tax. Another thing I used to do manually...heh.

I don't really get the half-combined finances. It...

2009-02-03T18:02:00.000-06:00

I don't really get the half-combined finances. It seems kind of like roommates, not partners, to me.

If you are married, and you note the legal/debt ra...

2009-02-03T14:23:00.000-06:00

If you are married, and you note the legal/debt ramifications of such, I think the easiest way to deal with finances is to share them. With 100% transparency, it’s much more difficult to cover up excessive spending. You could also set up an allowance system, you each get X amount per week, month, whatever. Use that on whatever you want. Anything over that, you have to ask permission. That way you aren’t bad mommy, you both have to police each other. Merging is a big step, but at least you wont be blindsided.

Thanks for writing about this FF. I have similar p...

2009-02-03T06:14:00.000-06:00

Thanks for writing about this FF. I have similar problems with my guy too. He doesn't have credit card debt but will spend on a whim and often lives pay cheque to pay cheque without thinking much about his financial future.

Many times I wish we were programmed with the same financial chip too, and I also hate feeling like I'm in Mommy mode. But the plusses are that he is making genuine steps towards getting financially healthy and we are trying work together on it.

I want to marry this man but this type of thing is always at the back of my mind. While this used to be a deal breaker for me, my guy has so many great qualities and shows me he is capable of cooperating and working with me in a partnership.

Your story is hopeful to me and it looks like you and Shiner will work through these problems fine =).

Congratulations on the wedding!I love Mint. The "...

2009-02-02T23:43:00.000-06:00

Congratulations on the wedding!

I love Mint. The "split" option makes it easy to track cash and I love the fact that it automatically uploads all other transactions.

I second Mint.com.The one issue I have with it is ...

2009-02-02T15:59:00.000-06:00

I second Mint.com.

The one issue I have with it is that some super protected sites (like my City-Count Federal Credit Union) don't upload well, or at all.

ldub, thanks for the reminder that even though we ...

2009-02-02T15:30:00.000-06:00

ldub, thanks for the reminder that even though we have our problems, at least our problems come from talking about things and trying to find a good solution rather than avoiding or hiding or disgreeing there's a problem in the first place. Of course I wish we were just in synch on this like we shared a microchip, but that's not realistic at all. And we do "fight" pretty nice-like. This morning he packed chocolate chip cookie dough in my lunch just to cheer me up a bit. The dough, people! If that's not a good man then I don't know up from down anymore.

Thanks for the budget software recommendations, too. I've been thinking about giving Mint.com a whirl on my own, so this seems like as good a time as any to do it. I've used Wesabe very casually for a while and I'm wondering how they differ. Shiner has been wanting to try Quicken. Mvelopes seems like a good system to me, or at least it seems to gel with the way I intuitively think about spending, but I'm a little hesitant to sign up for yet another monthly fee. He's pretty much an Excel wizard so in some ways setting up something personalized like you've done, FB, seems like a good option except I'm worried all that manual entry will get tedious and we'll fall off the wagon because of that--I don't think we have the know-how to create a program that will automatically grab bank statements online. We are going to start a side-by-side comparison tonight.

Mint.com is great. I love it, have been using it a...

2009-02-02T14:49:00.000-06:00

Mint.com is great. I love it, have been using it about 6 months.

It auto-uploads all my credit and debit transactions, info on my loans, savings and investments.

Plus, you can infinitely customize your budgets and set up warnings and reminders. My account emails me whenever I go over my budget for restaurants, useful since eating out is my weakness. It also emails to remind me when my credit card and load payments are due, so I'm never late.

i'm just super impressed at how well you two ARE c...

2009-02-02T14:19:00.000-06:00

i'm just super impressed at how well you two ARE communicating about money - it may be an "in retrospect" thing right now, but it seems like each time you do need to address money issues together (small-i) you two get better at it. i hope the same holds true with my own husband-elect!

Wesabe (wesabe.com) is pretty awesome, and web-bas...

2009-02-02T12:26:00.000-06:00

Wesabe (wesabe.com) is pretty awesome, and web-based. I used it for a while but I found I work way better with low-tech budgeting solutions.

I haven't used the online budgeting program Mvelop...

2009-02-02T12:06:00.000-06:00

I haven't used the online budgeting program Mvelopes, but a friend of mine recommends it highly. It sounds like it lets you put money into different virtual envelopes so you can see how much money is left in the groceries envelope, the envelope for mortgage or rent, etc.

I didn't like it but I heard Mint was pretty good ...

2009-02-02T11:12:00.000-06:00

I didn't like it but I heard Mint was pretty good for uploading transactions

I haven't used it in a while so I don't know about manual entries

I track everything in my own spreadsheet, so I don't bother with Web or software anything. It's just an Excel sheet that gets carried around w/ me.

I think he definitely uses CCs are a crutch, and cash would be the best option for him, just due to his personality.

Good luck.

Fabulously Broke in the City

"Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver."