Comments on Feminist Finance: When "Help" = "Money"

Wonderful post. I love reading your blog! I don'...

2008-06-19T15:44:00.000-05:00

Wonderful post. I love reading your blog! I don't know how late my opinion/advice might be on this, but I had a thought. Most of these ideas have been said and I am using them as a spring board. Perhaps she can buy you two the accessories you plan on wearing the day of? For example, paying for part of the big day is not as directly related to you as say the jewelry you will wear, or a limo ride to and from the reception or the cab ride to and from the airport for your honeymoon, your purse, his shoes, or the photographer of the wedding...something more direct to the both of you. What about paying for your first meal on your honeymoon? You can make reservations at a nice restaurant and she can give them her credit info. Also, perhaps she can donate to your favorite charity in your honor. It will be like money you would eventually give to the charity anyway. And if you are getting presents, then there is always those too.

i just got married in december - and we had a very...

2008-05-07T14:14:00.000-05:00

i just got married in december - and we had a very informal and small ceremony in puerto rico. we also did everything ourselves - it was just easier that way. BUT, even though i already knew which dress i wanted, i flew my mother out and brought my hubby's mom (who lives locally) along to the dress shop and pretended i hadn't chosen one - i told them i had narrowed it down, so i wouldn't have to be there for hours. i also asked them each to provide a piece of jewelry - they could either choose to buy me something, or lend me something special. the dress up is the funnest part anyway - and they got to take pictures, and we went to lunch afterwards, and made a day of it.

Found you via feministing. I have to say, great p...

2008-05-05T13:02:00.000-05:00

Found you via feministing. I have to say, great post. I'm not planning a wedding yet, but I have told my boyfriend some of my expectations since we've been talking about it -- namely, no engagement ring, no shower, preferably no attendants, and I won't marry in the Catholic church (I won't lie to a priest; I may have left the church twenty years ago, but I can't do that). My mom is okay with all of these things; we've discussed them and are generally of the same mind re: that stuff. However, his mom is not my mom by a long shot, has only boys, and we know she is going to be disappointed that I am not at all "typical" when it comes to this stuff. I'm not looking forward to trying to explain some of this stuff to her (with his help, of course:). So I say good luck to you. I hope you resolve your wedding issues:)

I would be most concerned about the "no such thing...

2008-04-04T00:35:00.000-05:00

I would be most concerned about the "no such thing as a free lunch" idea described by Anon (above), but if that is not an issue (in other words, your future mother-in-law does not have control issues), it seems hard for me to justify passing up free money. It is certainly noble for you and your fiance to want to self-finance the wedding, but it seems like if you let her pay for some or all of the honeymoon (as suggested above), you can pocket the money you would have spent there and put it toward retirement savings for you and your future husband, with the idea that you might use it to take a second honeymoon when you get old and gray together. I tend to look at situations like this from a cold financial point of view (and obviously you need to take into account the need to maintain positive relations with all sides of the family), but if someone is offering you free money, it almost seems like a waste to "make up" some random event that they can spend money on, just in order to make them feel better, when it is something you really wouldn't enjoy yourself.

My experience with my parents has been that they o...

2008-04-02T12:02:00.000-05:00

My experience with my parents has been that they often expect certain things in return for their generous gifts of down payments, etc., for my brother. My dad, for instance, said the other day that since he basically "got [my brother] into his house" (by giving him a downpayment) that the house was basically his. UM, no. If she isn't a huge control freak, then it might be OK. But beware--every bit of money or gifts that my parents have given me has had at least one string attached.

I would discuss it with your parents, explaining t...

2008-04-02T08:13:00.000-05:00

I would discuss it with your parents, explaining that you really want to pay for things yourself but as his Mother is so upset you are thinking of letting her through a post reception party because it is something she would really enjoy doimg and she would get to show you off to all of her friends and family. Explain that you dont expect them to do the same thing as you know they would not enjoy it. I would definately see how they feel about it before you ecide whether or not to go ahead with it.

Penny, I am more comfortable with the honeymoon su...

2008-04-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

Penny, I am more comfortable with the honeymoon suggestion, but it just feels easier to draw a bright line between overtly wedding stuff and follow up stuff.

The other big plus of asking her to host a later event is that she can invite her friends (who we don't know) that she would like to have at the wedding but that we don't plan to invite, and share the wedding with them that way, without requiring us to invite people we don't know and possibly requiring us to cut friends we really want there from the guest list. Maybe that would work for a day-after brunch, too. That would be nice if we could get it all out of the way at once. We'll see what she'd prefer to do (or whether she likes our idea at all) the next time we see her.

I think if it were me I would go with the offer to...

2008-04-01T20:22:00.000-05:00

I think if it were me I would go with the offer to pay for the honeymoon (or part of it)-- it's kind of one step separate from the wedding itself, more like a generous wedding present. It sounds like you're still uncomfortable with that though.

We had a similar experience recently with our in v...

2008-03-31T10:23:00.000-05:00

We had a similar experience recently with our in vitro fertilization treatment, which we paid for ourselves without more than skimming the surface of our savings accounts or taking out loans -- not a small task, given the $14K price tag per IVF cycle. My parents were disappointed that we refused their offers of help. Given their emotional involvement in the outcome, their financial involvement would have made the treatment less personal and more stressful.

The idea of a second reception gives me some pause. Two months after the wedding, you may not feel very interested in yet another wedding-related occasion. I agree with the suggestion of the morning-after brunch, or perhaps she could help with a bridal shower.

From what I've read I think you've gone about it v...

2008-03-31T09:42:00.000-05:00

From what I've read I think you've gone about it very well. You've involved her in some of the decisions (place, bubbly) and filled her in on why you're unwilling to take her money. All that is left is for her to address her own feelings toward the wedding--which of course, as I'm sure you know, out of your hands.

the only response i have is, well, they really wan...

2008-03-31T09:32:00.000-05:00

the only response i have is, well, they really want to be involved, and this is how they feel they can do it best. my suggestion is that you invite her to host a brunch the day after the wedding for any out of town guests (this could coincide with a gift-opening, if you're doing that - i can't remember if you said you were doing "no gifts - give to charity" or not). my friends did this when one set of parents was very well off and paid for the wedding, but the other set of parents really wanted to do (read "pay for") something... brunch! whee! it worked well, and all egos were spared. plus, everyone really enjoyed the laid-back brunch, where jeans were the general attire, etc. a good way to say "thanks and bye!" to the out-of-towners.