What If I'd Taken All The Bad Money Advice I've Been Given By Dudes?

The nice thing about being a gal who decides where the money goes is that once they realize that you are going to be the one to choose your choice, lots of helpful dudes are ready to tell you what you should do. They are ready to save you the trouble of thinking for yourself about how to invest and consume and save and manage and borrow your money. They are experts, you see. Or maybe not so expert, but they have opinions. And because they have opinions, it is perhaps inevitable that these dudes are going to share those opinions with you. After all, you are just a gir!l Girls hate math! Or maybe they stand to profit if you take their advice. Or maybe they don't really have a clue what they are talking about but they, in their dudeliness, want to protect you from... something. You sweet thing, you.

Does this sound familiar?

Tonight I started feeling a little nostalgic about all the dudely money advice I have rejected over the years. Where would I be if I'd not been so headstrong and had instead been more accommodating and ladylike? Join me in Bizarro Feminist Finance World to explore what my life could have been like if I'd done with my finances what a bunch of dudes counseled little old me to do with my money.

I'd have about twice as much student debt. I was lucky to get through undergrad with no debt, thanks to generous parents, a privileged family background, scholarships, multiple jobs, and AP credits and heavy course loads that allowed me to graduate early. When I started law school, my parents' support was greatly scaled back and I knew I wouldn't be able to work more than a few hours a week or take extra classes if I was going to do the hardcore law student thing. The first time I finalized my student loan paperwork I did what I normally did when I didn't understand something that seemed important: I asked my dad. My dad's a smart guy, he usually gives good advice, and I know he has my best interests at heart. But he doesn't always know when to admit that he doesn't know something, and he advised me to take both the subsidized and unsubsidized federal loans even though my rough calculations showed I could get along fine with only the subsidized ones. He reasoned that I wasn't exactly sure how much I'd need and they were both basically free money anyway. Sure, both were at low interest rates, but in truth he didn't have the first clue what the difference between subsidized and unsubsidized loans were. I told him I didn't want to rack up interest while I was in school the way I would if I took out the unsubsidized loan, and he told me I misunderstood, that neither one accrued interest so long as I was enrolled in school full-time. That didn't sound right to me but he seemed pretty certain. So I took both loans. And then I found out he was totally wrong. And I had a pile of cash I didn't strictly "need" (but was happy to spend!) and the interest was piling up from my first day of school. That was the only semester I made that mistake. My dad has since apologized and told me I was right, one of maybe ten times in my life those words have come out of his mouth.

I'd have a bunch of money in crappy investments that bit it just before I needed them When I started working I started getting cold called at the office by financial planners. It's just one of the many perks of working in a high-pay job: more telemarketing! I knew I wanted to buy disability insurance, and I didn't really know where to start so I let one of them take me out for coffee. And I got the hard sell on whole life insurance. He actually suggested that instead of pre-paying my home equity loan, which had a five-year balloon payment that came due in 2010, that I dump money into a whole life policy, which was invested in equities, and then take a loan at 8% from the policy in 2010 to pay it off. Oh, Jesus. So instead of having gradually paid off the loan in full in cash a year and a half early, I could have put all that money into something risky that in fact tanked shortly before I would have needed to access it and then paid 8% for the privilege of borrowing back whatever was left! What a great idea! I'm not sure if he was really unintelligent person who truly thought this was a sound idea, or whether he was a diabolical salesman who thought I was a really unintelligent person who would fall for it. At least I got a coffee out of it.

I'd be paying another half a point on a loan that was structured all wrong. That home equity loan was another story. Mortgage broker dude came by a recommendation from friends. He sent me good faith documents on the primary mortgage but everything about the equity loan was discussed over the phone. At the closing, the documents he wanted me to sign were for a line of credit, not a straight-up loan, and was at a 6.25% rate rather than a 5.625% rate. I refused to sign and he told me it was better this way. Right, paying more money for a different product than the one I want is really quite a steal. In the years following this transaction, as lenders were slashing or closing credit lines and screwing with perfectly responsible people's credit in the process, I was reminded again and again of this guy who so wanted me to believe that a credit line is for all purposes is far superior to a straight-up loan. I was insistent that he had agreed to a loan with a 5.625 rate. He told me I must be misremembering our conversation. I offered to show him the notes I took on our conversation as it happened. He suggested that maybe I was lying. Yes, please go there. I lettered in hardball. I told him that I wasn't really impressed with his business development skills and that at any rate I wouldn't be signing the documents he set in front of me and I was prepared to walk away from the sale, so what was he going to do about it? A few hours later he was driving out to my office with re-drafted documents and a nice fat check made out to me. He didn't change the interest rate because he was concerned about getting into trouble with his higher ups. So he calculated five years of interest under each interest rate and cut me a check for the difference, which I immediately applied against the loan. And because I paid off the loan so much faster I actually came out ahead.

I'd have put $25k in high-fee mutual funds instead of low-cost, tax-advantaged accounts. One coworker and I are on very close terms, and we talk salary and money stuff all the time. He mentioned his financial advisor had given him lots of great advice, like not putting that much in a 401(k) and investing the difference with him. My friend really wanted me to talk with his guy when he found out I was maxing out my 401(k) and putting it all in Vanguard index funds, like I had made some terrible decision that needed to be remedied. I was curious so I did have a phone consult with this financial advisor, and the stuff he was recommending was crap. At least he was candid and admitted I probably didn't need him.

In short, I'd have more debt, more headaches, fewer assets, and probably less self-confidence. Bizarro World can be a scary place.

Lots of people have financial advice for you. Many of them are wrong. Whether they are friends or family or people who make a living in financial sales, don't let people sweet talk or bully you into doing things you don't understand or suspect are not right for you. You can figure it out, do it yourself, or just opt out altogether.