First Married Fight

Three weeks into marriage and of course our first post-wedding fight is about money.

Shiner paid off his American Express in late 2008. That credit card carried his largest balance, so paying it off was a big deal. It seems like after that success, though, he got a little cocky. He started paying for things when we went out. Normally, I pay the bill if we go out to eat or out to a movie, but around Christmas when we were traveling a lot to see our various families he picked up the tab a few times. He paid for a few other things, too, like when he took my car for a needed oil change so I could see a friend during our 12-hour overlap in our hometown, or using his car when we paid for gas during all that driving around. Anyway, because he was feeling really confident about his finances he spent more money than he ordinarily does. I definitely noticed that he was doing it, and I admit I was tickled. When you are used to picking up the tab it feels good when that is finally reciprocated. I thought he was paying attention and wasn't spending anything he couldn't afford.

And all other things being equal, he could have afforded it. But his car has been making some annoying noises for a couple of months, and he took it in to get it checked out. It wasn't anything that was an immediate safety issue (and even if it had been, we have two cars between us so he could have afforded to not fix it right away), but it needed some work. It was going to cost $800 and they were a little slow, did he want them to fit him in right away? Yes he did, just put it on the card. Even though he couldn't afford to pay the bill. To be fair, he didn't think to run the numbers at the time and so didn't know that. He thought he had it covered. He'd forgotten that he'd picked up the tab a few too many times last month.

Fast forward to last night. I have been tracking my net worth since September 2005, and thought we should track our joint net worth. Not for any particular reason, it's not an especially useful number, but it does capture both assets and liabilities and something about having that information in one place makes me feel more secure. Networth numbers are basically my woobie. I needed him to fill in some numbers for me. He went off to track them down and came back very shame-faced. He explained how he'd screwed up. He was going to be $200 short paying for the work on his car because he'd forgotten how much he'd spent in late December and early January.

On its own, this is not the hugest deal. Everyone comes up short from time to time, which is why it's nice to have savings to cover things like rear brake jobs. I mean, it's not like he's got an expensive addiction or is maliciously trying to bleed me dry or something. It could be a lot worse than $200. And we do have savings that can cover the difference, thanks to some generous people who gave us money for wedding gifts. But he will admit he has not always the world's most responsible user of credit cards. His debt and money issues have created big problems for us in the past (see: almost calling off the engagement). So even relatively small missteps make me really scared and self-doubty. And of course from there the discussion only degenerates.

More than the $200 shortfall, my issues are mainly these:

First, why did he not do the math before committing to the car expenses? I think he is scared of losing face and looking broke or like he lacks status, even in front of people he doesn't know and whose opinions of him aren't important, like the receptionist at the auto shop. He doesn't want to look like he can't afford things. And if that doesn't get dealt with, this is going to be the first of many times in our marriage that this happens. I don't want that, and I am confident that he doesn't either.

Second, when he screws up now, it legally affects me, too. I don't think he appreciates the magnitude of this, at least in my eyes. (I'm a lawyer! As completely not-romantic as my ideas of legal marriage are--someone to cover my ass and to take my stuff when I die--they are still a Really Big Deal to me!) In most areas of our relationship, I think we do a very good job of taking care of one another and prioritizing the other person's needs as high as or sometimes higher than our own. But he hasn't made this changeover in thinking about money--he seems to think about his money decisions as being almost exclusively about him, not equal parts about each of us.

And third, I feel like when it comes to money that I am in Mommy mode, and that I have to keep checking up on him to make sure he stays on track. Like, I should have talked to him when he started picking up the tab and suggesting that it wasn't a good idea because wasn't he going to have to do something about that squealing noise his car has been making? Which I didn't do because I was wanted to trust that he was being responsible in his own choices. But then I feel like when I trust him and don't monitor his decisions he makes bad ones, but if I do monitor his decisions he makes good ones, so playing Mommy works. Even though I hate doing it. It's a circle, and it sucks. We need to move toward a system that is transparent enough that it allows each of us to trust, but verify. Sweet Christ, now that I've quote Ronald Reagan, you know I'm feeling topsy turvey.

For now, here's how we've decided to deal with this:

1) We'll take the money out of savings to cover the shortfall. We had earmarked this money to buy a chest freezer, but we'll have to put off doing that. He's going to pay it back in time, hopefully by this summer. He could probably do it much faster than that, but I don't want him to feel punished by not being able to buy anything for himself. I mean, at some point I'm going to screw up too and I hope he won't pull the Bad Dog routine on me, either.

2) To deal with the spending=status thing, he's going to address it in counseling. He's been seeing someone to deal with some family-related drama, and we've also seen that counselor a couple times as a pre-wedding tune up (highly recommended, even if you're not having capitol-I Issues) and I am not really equipped to help someone re-write their money scripts on my own.

3) I asked, and he agreed, that he stop using credit cards for the time being. I'm not one of those "Credit Is Evil!" people obviously, but until he's started to figure out why he keeps slipping into bad decision making again, it will limit the amount of trouble (read: debt) he can get into. That benefits both him and me. This is a good move, I think, for the short-term but will probably be a total pain in the ass given #4 on this list which is...

4) Create a joint budget. I hate this part. I've never had a budget before. I've never needed one. The closest I've ever come is to tell myself, "You have $X in your checking account, so don't spend more than $X this month." Works for me. Works less well for two people. This is where the trust but verify comes in--if we both reconcile our spending against a budget, at least for those things that are joint-ish, like meals out and car expenses, we will both be responsible to one another and won't inadvertently overspend. The left hand will be able to see what the right hand is doing, as it were. Ideally, I'm looking for a budgeting program that will automatically upload credit card and checking account activity data without a lot of hassle, and will easily allow manual entries for cash transactions. I have a slight preference for web-based, but PC-based is fine, too. Suggestions?

I am feeling pretty drained today.