Sundays are State of the Union days in our house, when sweetie and I sit down to talk about how we're doing relationship-wise. Sometimes they're quick check-ins, sometimes we get into a little more depth, depending on what we've got going on. In this year leading up to our wedding, we've decided to make finances a central part of our State of the Union talks. Over the next couple of months, sweetie and I will be reading Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach and discussing the latest chapter at SOTU.
This Chapter aims to help couples figure out what the purpose of money is in their lives. Bach asks us to each name our top five values we want to focus our time and energy on in the coming year. It's harder than it sounds, in part because so many of the values that came to mind for me are interrelated in some way. What is security, after all, if not the ability to meet the needs of yourself and your nearest and dearest--so should you really call it "loved ones?" Are "marriage" and "family" different enough values to warrant a separate listing? When you say "job," do you have in mind a particular career or set of skills ("My true calling is to be an actor" or "Particle physics gives my life meaning"), or is the thing you ultimately value be better termed "giving back" or "having fun" or "stability" in the form of a hefty paycheck?
Here's how things shook out for me:
1) Stability/security: I need to feel confident I'll have a place to live, food to eat, and all my obligations met. Knowing that even if my life goes to shit, I've got something of a buffer between me and real need is a huge chunk of sanity for me.
2) Flexibility: I have worked jobs I hated before, and that is a soulsuck I don't need. I like my job now, but with personnel changes, mergers, clients coming and going, present happiness is not a guarantee of future job satisfaction. Flexibility means having options in the event that I decide I hate my working life: quitting and regrouping, taking a more satisfying job that pays less, reducing my hours, or what have you. Since leaving school and being responsibile for student loans, mortgage, career, and the like, I am feeling a real lack of flexibility in my life these days and that's something I would really love to figure out how to change.
These days I think of flexibility mainly in terms of my job, but it's really broader, too. Should my parents ever need assistance as they grow older, particularly if they ever become very ill, I very much hope I will be in a position to help. Does this mean taking large amounts of unpaid leave on an ongoing basis? Moving states to be nearer to them? It would certainly mean some sort of lifestyle adjustment, as they live a day's drive away right now.
3) Marriage/Primary Partnership: This one's a new addition for me since the last time I worked my way trough one of David Bach's tradmark-laden books, back in the day when I was rolling solo. Since sweetie is the only immediate family member I expect to ever be able to pick myself, he gets special billing. I broke out marriage specifically rather than relying on the more generic umbrella of family because (a) the cats don't take that much work, and I didn't think their feelings would be hurt at being excluded--with no kids in the picture, I didn't think the broader term applied as well; and (b) even if sweetie and I do have kids someday, the families I most admire had parents who put their relationship first--a healthy balance seemed to flow from that. And if I ever change my mind about that, it's not like I can't revise the list.
4) Fun: Because otherwise, what's the point, right?
5) Giving Back: At first I was thinking about this as "career" but then I realized that although I love the law, and like the work I am doing as a lawyer, the real thing I enjoy about my work is feeling like I'm helping people. If I ever began to doubt that the work I was doing was, on balance, a social good, I'd find a different position or a different line of work altogether.
Sweetie's list was very similar. In fact, we had all items in common, except that he included "loved ones" as being rolled into "stability" with the rationale that his connections with family and friends are a big part of what make him feel grounded, and that instead of "giving back" he included "career." The way he explained it to me, that seems to be much less about his current industry or company or even professional field and more like "feeling useful" or "vocation." His example was that if he were to become a stay at home dad, or an entrepreneur, those roles would fill the same purpose in his life as his current job by giving him something to focus his productive energies on and allowing him to feel like he was accomplishing something.
We each made our lists independently before coming together to talk about them. It's a comfort to know that we're so much on the same page at this stage of the game.