It's Not MY Wedding, Dammit, It's OUR Wedding

This Christmas, when exchanging gifts, several people said something very interesting to me. Or maybe the thing they said wasn't so interesting, but it was interesting because it was said to me. Three different people got me something inexpensive and, like they needed to apologize for that, told me they were getting me something bigger for our wedding in a few weeks. But the strange thing was that they either spent a standard amount (as in, comparable to other family members who aren't getting married in a few weeks) on Shiner, or they also spent less on him but didn't apologize to him, only to me. I was left with the distinct impression that the wedding gift to come was really for me, like this year I am a kid with a Christmastime birthday: the wedding is my thing, my party, the wedding presents are really about me, Shiner is just along for the ride.

I want to be very clear that I am not upset about getting inexpensive presents. They were all actually really cool, thoughtful things that I appreciate and will use--one was from a couple of Shiner's friends who got me something separate and I was just really touched that they'd even thought of me (I didn't get them anything...). And I completely understand that by getting married not too long after Christmas that a lot of the people we've invited will have a serious case of gift buying fatigue, and we don't want them to stress themselves out financially on our account. In fact, I've written before about how we have a pretty minimal registry because we are hoping people don't feel pressured to drop a lot of money on us. That appears to maybe not be working so well, judging by these comments, but dammit we tried.

So I feel like a real asshole being at all ambivalent about someone else's generosity toward me and Shiner, but this idea that they're spending less on my Christmas present because they've still got to shop for what is really *my* wedding present feels so similar to when we've met with vendors and venue people and they all start out by directing their questions to me, defering to me, catering to me. Because I'm the bride, doncha know, and I must have been dreaming of this day and its ornaments for decades, and the man I've brought along with me is just one of the more necessary ornaments. It's been surprisingly surprising how much we encounter this attitude in one form or another not just from vendors (who I'm sure have seen this attitude from time to time, and have started to see it where it doesn't exist) but from our friends and family who I expected would get it more. Especially Shiner's friends and family--he's getting married, too, you know. It's a big deal for him, too. It's not all about me.

You never know where you're going to find the sticky wickets.