Christmas, Charity, and the Deserving Poor

When I was small, my family would buy Christmas gifts for a child in our town whose family couldn't afford them. We picked a construction paper angel off a big tree at the mall and went shopping with the wish list written on it. I remember that sometimes those wish lists were pretty aspirational: Nintendos, brand name sneakers and sports jackets, gameboys, portable CD players. (Have I dated myself yet?) Anyway, those are all things my parents wouldn't buy me because they were too expensive, and I remember thinking it was pretty cheeky of these kids to ask strangers to buy them such frivolous stuff. After all, they were poor--why did they feel entitled to ask my parents for stuff they wouldn't even buy me, their darling daughter?

So that's the first thing I thought of today when I read this post over at Wise Bread about one potential gift giver who was put off by such spendy requests.

My perspective is a little different now.

I remember, with a lot more compassion (thank God), how much I wanted comparable stuff back when I was in elementary school, and how out of place I felt because I seemed to be the only kid in my school who didn't have it. Was I the only kid at my preppy school who shopped for clothes at Target way before Target had anything resembling style? Probably not, but I felt accutely that I was. I surely was not the only one who didn't have a Nintendo, but I felt convinced that it was my lack of practice time that kept me sucking at Super Mario Brothers compared to everyone else at my babysitter's or at the Friday night slumber party, thus relegating me to the Schoolhouse Loser Collective (don't worry, I've worked it out in therapy). And you know, my family wasn't anywhere near hurting. I had music lessons and soccer clubs, for pete's sake. But even so I wanted expensive stuff because the people I spent my days with had expensive stuff, and because their toys looked like fun. What kid doesn't want to have fun and feel included? I knew this stuff was more than I could buy with my allowance; I knew my parents chose not to spend money on it; I didn't know that other people considered it expensive. On the contrary, everyone else seemed to have it, so how expensive could it be?

So that's the first thing, wondering whether these requests that the Wise Bread writer found greedy actually had anything to do with greed at all.

But even if they did, so what? It's called a wish list. It's the stuff you really want. If you are sixteen and you don't already have an ipod, chances are you really want one, no matter you family's income. What are you supposed to do if you're poor? Lie? Say to the nice rich people that what you really want most of all is some warm socks, so you can demonstrate yourself to be one of the deserving poor? Or as one of the commenters but it:

"Just so you know, your family is poor, and so anything you ask for will not actually come from Santa Clause. Because you are poor. So be realistic in your requests. Remember you are poor."

I'm sorry. Just, no.

Look, I'm by no means the world's biggest fan of Christmas consumerism. I am a strong proponent of gift disarmament in my own family and friendships, and I don't do angel tree or Toys for Tots type programs because I find that giving and receiving gifts is just about the least enjoyable and meaningful way to celebrate the holiday--I'd much rather donate to direct service orgs like food banks, legal aid, or shelters, or on the more festive end of things, to theater or arts programs that allow people to sponser tickets so kids and families can attend without having to front the ticket costs. But for people for whom gift exchanges are a beloved part of Christmas, be a little generous about it. I don't mean you are obligated to get a kid whatever he or she asks for, but be a little generous in the sort of emotional existence you want to allow your giftee. Don't expect the kid you're shopping for to be better or more humble or less insecure or more ascetic, or in any way all that different from any other kid, simply by virtue of the fact that their family doesn't have much money. This is not Dickens. You certainly needn't impugn their motives or question their character or values for just straight up being human and honest about it. If what you can afford is a board game, buy a board game. If what you can afford is warm socks, buy warm socks. But don't convince yourself that these things are all a kid born to parents without much money is entitled to want.

And if, say, you are buying a Wii for your family but believe a member of the deserving poor should be happy with a paperback novel, is that really sporting? Really?