Socialism Is Scary! Boo!

I am terrified--terrified!--of the extent to which socialism has permeated American culture. For all the air time Republican talking points about socialist creep have gotten in the past few weeks, I have the scary duty of reporting that the problem is far more dire than even they realize. Forget about the esoteric threat of government taking part of your paycheck to pay for common goods like roads, schools, and defense. No, the horrors of Communism are much closer at hand, and so insidious we can't see the threat as it lurks outside our own front doors. Even our children, our babies who do not yet bring home a paycheck, are being indoctrinated in this eeevil plot to deprive good, law-abiding Americans of the hard-earned spoils of their own labor, to steal from the rich and give to the undeserving poor.

That's right, the redistributionists have inculcated schoolkids in the tenants of socialism, egging them on as they go from door to door, demanding candy and sweets from those who have them (respectable, wage-earning adults!) so "spread the wealth around" among those who have never bothered to lift themselves up by their bootstraps to earn those sweets. These zombies (of the state?) go from home to home, taking from the candy-rich and giving to the candy-poor, hinting threateningly at the "tricks" that will befall these righteous Americans if they do not submit to this collectivist pooling of treats. Their actions are positively ghoulish in their similarity to Stalinist Russia. If Sacco and Vanzetti were alive today, those Commies would find solace in the guise of devils and axe-murder victims. After camouflaging their true identities, they could have continued their plot against democracy and meritocracy, mini Snickers bar by mini Snickers bar.

The public education system in this country, socialist to its very core, is certainly in on this dirty game: they sponsor "Halloween pageants" and "Halloween parties" which are little more than training camps for socialist terrorism. Children talk amongst themselves about which "rich" neighborhoods to hit up first, based on their ideological commitment to a progressive taxation system that extorts full-size candy bars from those high-earning households, while accepting substantially smaller snack-size treats from middle class families. And of course, pink-o Hollywood is in on the game. Has anyone else noticed the Great Pumpkin looking a little red these days?

Forget about the dangers posed by an Obama administration, the powers of the state have already been bent to this nefarious end of overthrowing capitalism in America and replacing it with good old-fashioned Communism. Don't believe me? Just check your local newspaper: your local police department has probably declared so-called "trick or treating hours" during which the extorting hordes of socialists will not be stopped in their reign of candy terror.

Just you watch. This November 4 business is a red herring. When the lights go down tonight, and your doorbell starts ringing, you'll see: no one across this great nation will be safe from the creeping threat of socialism.

What are you handing out tonight? We've got an assortment, about $20 worth, all from Target's 2 bags for $4 sale: Snickers minis with dark chocolate, Twix, Butterfinger, Whoppers, Swedish Fish and Sourpatch kids. A few others. I'm hoping the kids all go home before we have to break out the Almond Joy--I want those all to myself. Lucky me, Shiner hates sweetened coconut so I don't even have to share. Mmmmm.