Part of an occasional series on money and etiquette. If you need advice about how to handle money in polite company, email me at feministfinanceatgmaildotcom.
From this week's Dear Prudie:
Recently, I have been put in an awkward situation with my group of friends. All are involved in different charitable organizations to which they ask me to donate. However, I do not agree with the goals of every organization (particularly those that are clearly religious in nature, as I'm agnostic bordering on apathetic) and would like to be generous with only those whose missions I support. But I'm pressured to give to all because each friend knows that I've given to certain charities and expects me to donate to theirs as well. I get guilt-tripped into giving and resent it, especially when I need the money myself. The situation became worse when my friend asked me to buy goods from her son to support the Boys Scouts of America, and I refused because I don't want to financially support an organization that is openly intolerant toward homosexuals. She said I was being selfish. How do I let my friends know that while I support their right to support, I don't want anything to do with their causes?
—Philanthropicky
There are two issues here, separate but related: feeling pressured to give an amount you cannot afford, and feeling pressured to give to causes you do not support. Both can feel awkward, but in different ways. And although how you give (or don't give) your money is no one's business but your own, the fact that you're being solicited by friends rather than strangers for their pet causes means extra care is needed to avoid hurt feelings on either side.
You are the only one who knows how much you can afford (or want) to give. If you are being asked to give an amount of money that feels too steep to you, there is no shame in saying so. I would love to, but money's tight these days should disinvite further discussion from all but your nosiest friends. For the brain surgeons and i-bankers among you, pleading empty pockets isn't very credible, but I'm sorry, I've already made all my commitments for 2008 should work well. It's unobjectionable; it's not personal. Hopefully it's even true, if you have thought cohesively about what you want your own giving plan to look like. (I recommend Inspired Philanthropy: Creating A Giving Plan as a starting point for this.) For an extra soft touch, you can even tell them that if they have some information about their organization that you'll make a point of considering it next year.
Being conflict averse (and wanting to support my friends' civic involvement), I have something of a slush fund rule for "asks" that don't fit my normal giving criteria--if it's not a cause I find objectionable, I'll give up to $10 for anything a good friend is personally involved in--charity walk donations, in-kind gifts, a ticket to a benefit concert I wouldn't otherwise attend. Maybe that's a policy you could adapt to your budget for your friends' asks.
But what if the cause is one you don't support? The Boy Scouts, or proselytizing groups, or political candidates who make you want to wretch? Since these are friends, your first line of defense should be as above rather than an incredulous are you fracking kidding me?, but if that's not good enough (note: if that's not good enough, your friend has got some truly terrible social skills) it's perfectly appropriate to be more direct. I don't support the Boy Scouts/Salvation Army/Ron Paul because they discriminate/discriminate/discriminate. It's not going to be the most comfortable conversation ever, but it may be the only way to get your overzealous solicitors off your back.
But I've got to wonder: how do you manage to stay so close to people with whom you share so few values and who seem to act as though they are entitled to the contents of your wallet?
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