I love advice columns, and I love giving advice. I also love personal finance, and you might be surprised how frequently these loves of mine intersect. If you've got any money-related etiquette questions, sling 'em this way. But in the meantime, check out the following question from this week's Dear Prudie column at Slate:
Dear Prudence,
I spend a good amount of money on things (clothes, books, toys) for my niece and nephew. My intention was that they use them until they grow out of them, and then I would get them back for my future kids. Every time I give new items, I politely remind my sister-in-law that I would "please like this back." Since my niece was born three years ago, I have been given only one item back. I have since discovered that she sells most of the things her kids outgrow. I understand they need to sell them to afford new clothes, but I am not made of money, either. How do I remind her that I want things returned, other than writing "Aunty wants this" on each piece?
—Not Made of Money
My response: First of all, let's get the semantics straight. You are not buying things "for" your neice and nephew, you are buying things "for" your yet-unconceived children, and you are grudgingly granting permission for your neice and nephew to use these toys in the meantime. That's not very nice, and I don't blame your sister-in-law (or your brother, who you do not mention) for being confused. Further, since she (and hopefully he) is busy running around after their two children, keeping them from falling to wells and such, it's a bit much to expect them to take the time to puzzle out whether their kids actually received gifts or were just warehousing toys for your future offspring. Or are some of them gifts and some are loaners? Or are they all gifts unless you have a kid, in which case they magically become loaners? Or are they loaners that have become gifts, or--oh, nevermind.
There is no good way to insist that your brother and sister-in-law return the stuff you've bought their kids without looking like (and being) a boor. If you can't afford to spend this money, don't. And if you insist on buying things for your ovaries and breaking them in on your neice and nephew, build up a stash of Playthings That Live At Aunty's House. Your neice and nephew will have a whole new treasure trove of toys that will be inherently more interesting and exciting than anything that lives at their own home, and you will be able to keep tabs (and dibs!) on your babystash.
3.13.2008
Money In Polite Company: The Gift That Doesn't Keep On Giving
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5 comments:
I agree. And your suggestion on keeping things at her house is a good balance. Because I know that toys living at other peoples' houses were always a million times more exciting. I still remember them, like one that our friend Mrs. Brown had. It was just a toy house, but I loved it because I didn't get it often.
Yes. People who give gifts with strings attached are just being controlling, not generous.
The SIL should tell the witchy aunt to keep her "gifts". She should also probably limit her children's access to someone so manipulative.
If it's truly a gift - once it's given, it's gone.
yeah, those? aren't gifts. but having them at her house is the perfect solution - the kids will LOVE them and look forward to playing at auntie's house. then the toys will still be there when and if her own aspirational children show up to play with them, too.
Considering how hard kids are on their clothes and toys, it might be an issue of not wanting to give things back that are stained, torn, or broken. Plus with probably other family members giving gifts, it'd be safe to say Mom probably can't remember which things were from Aunty and which weren't.
Either give it or don't, but once it's given, it's gone.
I had a similar reaction. Does this woman live in a bubble? Had she not aired these complaints to any level-headed person with ears? I couldn't believe no one had set her straight yet!
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